The girl in the pastry shop with the net in her hair
Is making a cannoli for you to take on your hiking trip
In the woods with your bros that you’ve known since second grade
And you may encounter dragons or ruffians and be called upon
To employ your testosterone
In a battle for supremacy and access to females glued to the TV
And even if you are victorious you may receive many cuts, bruises, and scrapes
And you will require band aids and antiseptic ointments
And tender loving kisses on your stab wounds and when you come home
She will be there waiting for you with a fire in her eyes
And a big fat cannoli to shove in your mouth
And that's why you
Thank God for girls
Holla Jesu Christe
From Tennessee to LA
Thank God for girls
On your reckoning day
You better bow down and pray
She’s so big
She’s so strong
She’s so energetic in her sweaty overalls
Thank God for girls
I'm so glad I got a girl to think of even though she isn't mine
I think about her all the day and all the night it's enough to know that she's alive
She says I give her sweaty palms she almost had a heart attack
The truth is that I’m just as scared I don’t know how to act
I wish that I could get to know her better
But meeting up in real life would cause the illusion to shatter
I carved her name into all the trees
Sang a song down on one knee
Looking at the underwear page of the Sears catalog like when I was 14
I’m levitating like a magnet turned the wrong way around
I’m like an Indian Fakir tryna’ meditate on a bed of nails with my pants pulled down
Thank God for girls
Holla Jesu Christe
From Tennessee to LA
Thank God for girls
On your reckoning day
You better bow down and pray
She’s so big
She’s so strong
She’s so energetic in her sweaty overalls
Thank God for girls
God took a rib from Adam, ground it up in a centrifuge machine
Mixed it with cardamom and cloves, microwaved it on the popcorn setting
While Adam was like “that really hurts”
Going off into the tundra, so pissed at God
And he started lighting minor forest fires, stealing osprey eggs
Messing with the bees who were trying to pollinate the echinacea
Until God said, “Ima smite you with loneliness
And break your heart in two”
And Adam wept and wailed, tearing out his hair, falling on his knees
Looked to the sky and said
“Thank God”
