(Beck Bennett)
We're here today with film star Natalie Portman
Now, Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control
(Natalie Portman)
Yeah, well, I was going through a really weird time then. But I've matured a lot
(Beck Bennett)
Why don't you fill us in on what it's like to be you?
(Natalie Portman)
Okay, ya bish
(Beck Bennett)
I'm sorry, what?
(Natalie Portman)
Yeah, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
Fucked your husband and his best friend just for sport, man
Messed around and made the same song twice
Here's a Bush, now eat your Condoleezza Rice
You know it's clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
Put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade, switchblade (Woo!)
Xannies dissolving in my Pinot
My man dance, but he's not a ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes, but he give me good D, though
Wrap a good burrito
Tide Pods the only fucking thing I snack on
Black out and go motherfucking Black Swan
Ooh! These dudes slash and fix your posture, boy
I'll come upside your head with my fucking Oscar, boy
My brain gone off that fucking Ayahuasca, boy
Tell your tourist parents I'ma turn you 'to a foster boy!
(Beck Bennett)
Wow, I gotta say it seems like you're almost exactly the same, but with current references
(Natalie Portman)
Untrue. I'm a mother now. It's really changed my perspective
(Beck Bennett)
And do you find it difficult juggling kids and a career?
(Natalie Portman)
You can juggle these nuts
(Beck Bennett)
What?
(Natalie Portman)
I don't dance now, I make mommy moves
When I gave birth, I didn't even push
I was blazed out, smoking bomb kush
And when my water broke, you know it drowned the doctor
They say I'm sex-positive
Hell yeah, I'm positive
That you're going down while I'm bumping My Prerogative
Tell me why
Ha, I guess I'm showing my age
Now bend over and spread them because you about to get fucked
(Damn!)
(Beck Bennett)
Fascinating stuff. Now I have to ask, Natalie, have you seen the new Star Wars movies?
(Natalie Portman)
No
(Beck Bennett)
Oh, well they're really good! They're much better than
(Natalie Portman)
Better than what?
(Beck Bennett)
Shit
(Natalie Portman)
Say something 'bout the motherfucking prequels, bitch! (They were good!)
Say something fucking nice about Jar-Jar Binks (He's tall?)
Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks (What?)
While I sit dead on your face and take a shit
(Andy Samberg)
Oh, Natalie
(Natalie Portman)
Yeah?
(Andy Samberg)
Please come meet your baby
He cries himself to sleep every night
(Natalie Portman)
That little shit ain't mine!
(Andy Samberg)
Oh, Natalie
(Natalie Portman)
What?
(Andy Samberg)
It's been twelve long years
(Shut the fuck up!)
And I'm seven days sober, I swear on his life!
(Natalie Portman)
You're a mess, Carl
(Beck Bennett)
Okay, well, that's all the time we have. Natalie, one last question—do you think those "Time's Up" pins have had the impact that you were hoping for? AH!
(Natalie Portman)
How's that for impact?
(Beck Bennett)
Well, actually — oh, no
(Natalie Portman)
No more questions
